14,484 days until I turn 80.
Yesterday I officially made public a little personal practice I have been doing for a little over a month now. It has changed my mindset so much that I thought I would start sharing and make it a signature of sorts (as an artist that kind of thing makes your heart happy).
But first-why?
I started the practice as I woke up one morning realizing I am nearly 27 and that for over ten years I have been surprised I’m still around. The sentiment that I was going to die young so I am going to live everyday to the fullest was a tad endearing and a lot of bit concerning when I was on a journey alone in this world.
I grew up with religious parents and while that is not inherently a bad thing- having people directly or indirectly having their fingers crossed that the world would blow up, the rapture was near, and that end was nye…wasn’t encouraging to me. My mother (separate from the unit I refer to as my parents) is a doomsday prepare and conspiracy theorist to the core. Now- has she been right about a lot of things. Absolutely- which makes her theories more terrifying. BUT- true or not that constant feed of information into a teenager was not good to the “plan or look forward to the future” vibe a lot of kids my age had.
On top of for too hopeless world view- I am a chronically ill human. So living until I am old was kind of a far fetched dream with that factor alone. All of this being said- I don’t put any blame on anyone, these are just factors that lead to my mindset of “I am going to die young”…and I never planned for my future. This actually kind of gave me a care free attitude and didn’t bother me much until something changed.
I became a mother.
Now, it really bothered me that I didn’t really have the ability or muscle memory to think of a future. It really unsettled me that Dylan so easily would come up with fun future scenerios of our son growing up, what kind of life he will lead, what he would be like in high school…and I really couldn’t imagine past about a month or so out. Of course, we cannot control how life plays out but it dawned on me that as a mother- it as my responsibility to be hopeful and plan for a future. And if I didn’t find a way to start envisioning one- that sentiment would leak into my son whether I meant for it to or not.
Thus became the countdown to my 80th birthday.
I found that a far out distant goal was easier for my brain to handle and I didn’t resist it as much as a 5 or 10 year goal. It was like the perfect medicine to to having no future was envisioning and looking forward to a long one. Due to my “I am gong to die young” thought process I have also struggled with sticking to habits or goals because I couldn’t get them to matter in the big picture…becuase there wasn’t one.
But trying to imagine what kind of world I want 80 year old me to wake up to seemed to be a great way to funnel balance into the live spontaneously and live in a way that makes 80 year old me be able to exist. Live life to the fullest…and also move your body, eat healthy food, have mindful practices. Build community. Be the change you want to see in the world…becuase you’re going to be in it.
I also wanted to flip the script for some people by sharing my story. So many people fear or avoid the topics of aging. It kind of bring mortality and death to the front. But it’s not only inevitable…but it’s a blessing. How blessed I will feel that I lived to see a day where my face has years of wrinkles that map my laughter, fears, and love. I woke up this morning and felt joy that I could see crows feet beginning to etch into my skin. What an honor to see a face older than that teen’s who thought she would die before she got the chance.
It’s a little morbid- but to me it’s my life’s art project. My art, my writing, my blogs and my days will have a signature on it. And today’s is 14,484. I feel so blessed to have this day and so many more ahead of me. Living to 80 isn’t just making sure my body survives, but so does my community, the memories, and making sure I leave the world better than I found it. I hope wake up on day zero and know that I lived each one them with intention, creativity, and love.
Here’s to chasing day zero. <3
-KR